To vacation...or not to vacation?

So many questions swirling today. First, my day starts off by a mutual friend of the Yankee and I asking if we'd been dropping the L word yet. Now, let me say most people wouldn't have the balls to ask me that and wouldn't have gotten an answer. But I will forgive K because I know it comes from a place of goodness. She has been a rock during my divorce and has supported the relationship with the Yankee from the start. The Yankee and I have very few people in common, which makes things hard, so I do cherish those we have together to help bounce my thoughts off.

 

Unfortunately for K, my text response read more like a novel. And it got me thinking...

 

I know I’m in love with him. I know it with every part of me. But saying it? I’d rather jump out the window. I can’t put into words exactly why. Fear, that’s a big one. He’s too good for me and I hope he doesn’t figure that out. Fear, also, because I know what can happen with love. I know how much it can hurt. Also, fear of his reaction. It’s no secret that any discussions we’ve had about “us” haven’t gone well. He’s holding back when it comes to that. Which I don’t understand because he holds back in no other way. He’s always been willing to answer any question I’ve asked with perfect honesty. He tells me about his past freely. He sacrifices to spend all his “free” time with me. He holds me and protects me and makes me FEEL loved. He tells me I’m amazing and he has a connection with me he’s never had and no one has ever treated him so well. But, all I get when I talk about “us” is that he wants to see where it goes.

 

I told K that I strangely feel that he keeps me in a private box just for himself. Not that we hide or anything like that, we go out regularly and he’s not hiding me from the world. But I get the feeling that most of the people in his life that I don’t know may not know anything about me. Like most men he doesn’t regularly “hang out” with friends, and his family is 500 miles away. So he can keep me in that box forever. He’s not active on facebook, at least in posting so they wouldn’t really “see” me there. There haven’t been opportunities to meet up with most of my friends, although they all know about him. Unfortunately all this breeds my insecurities and fears.

 

But then he does something like he did today…invites the kids and I to vacation with them. In 4 months, which is longer than we’ve even been “together.” He clearly seems to see a future. Not just with that, but he regularly makes “future” plans with me, from weekend scheduling to working out his work schedule for maximum time with me, to wanting to attend a 5k I’m running in a couple months.

 

The kids get along great and I know my kids would love to have someone else to hang with on vacation. It makes financial sense and emotional sense for us to share the load with another adult. So what is holding me back? More fear.

 

What if we can’t make it through the upcoming stretch of not being together much? What if he decides it’s not worth the fight, because frankly thus far it’s so easy with him.

 

Speaking of easy, it is amazing how easy it is with him. We never even have the slightest disagreement. I mean we cheer for different sports teams and give each other hell for that, but we’ve never even had a hint of an actual disagreement, let alone fight. Probably because we get about 48 hours together every 2 weeks but we talk every day. I haven’t had the slightest reason to be mad at him, other than his lack of verbal commitment to me. My relationship with Pickle was just so different. We always had disagreements, even if we didn’t out and out FIGHT that often. Fundamentally we just seemed so different, and the Yankee and I are just fundamentally the same it seems. I’ve heard of couples who never fight and I didn’t believe them to be honest. But he’s so easy going that he calms the searing passion I can have. He’s my peace and tranquility. I thought about this Sunday night. We were eating our weight in junkfood and watching the game. He fell asleep on my couch as we were intertwined, heads on each end. He had his arms around my legs tightly and I felt him relax a bit as he drifted off. It was amazing the peace I felt with him just being there with me, totally relaxed, not doing anything but breathing. I just thought, this is it. This is the man I’m supposed to be with, and nothing else.

 

Our next no kid time together is his birthday next Tuesday (yay for fake “work obligations” and babysitting) and Valentines, which we only get about 24 hours together. I want to drop the L word. I hope I can find the courage but I’m just not sure.