To vacation...or not to vacation?

So many questions swirling today. First, my day starts off by a mutual friend of the Yankee and I asking if we'd been dropping the L word yet. Now, let me say most people wouldn't have the balls to ask me that and wouldn't have gotten an answer. But I will forgive K because I know it comes from a place of goodness. She has been a rock during my divorce and has supported the relationship with the Yankee from the start. The Yankee and I have very few people in common, which makes things hard, so I do cherish those we have together to help bounce my thoughts off.

 

Unfortunately for K, my text response read more like a novel. And it got me thinking...

 

I know I’m in love with him. I know it with every part of me. But saying it? I’d rather jump out the window. I can’t put into words exactly why. Fear, that’s a big one. He’s too good for me and I hope he doesn’t figure that out. Fear, also, because I know what can happen with love. I know how much it can hurt. Also, fear of his reaction. It’s no secret that any discussions we’ve had about “us” haven’t gone well. He’s holding back when it comes to that. Which I don’t understand because he holds back in no other way. He’s always been willing to answer any question I’ve asked with perfect honesty. He tells me about his past freely. He sacrifices to spend all his “free” time with me. He holds me and protects me and makes me FEEL loved. He tells me I’m amazing and he has a connection with me he’s never had and no one has ever treated him so well. But, all I get when I talk about “us” is that he wants to see where it goes.

 

I told K that I strangely feel that he keeps me in a private box just for himself. Not that we hide or anything like that, we go out regularly and he’s not hiding me from the world. But I get the feeling that most of the people in his life that I don’t know may not know anything about me. Like most men he doesn’t regularly “hang out” with friends, and his family is 500 miles away. So he can keep me in that box forever. He’s not active on facebook, at least in posting so they wouldn’t really “see” me there. There haven’t been opportunities to meet up with most of my friends, although they all know about him. Unfortunately all this breeds my insecurities and fears.

 

But then he does something like he did today…invites the kids and I to vacation with them. In 4 months, which is longer than we’ve even been “together.” He clearly seems to see a future. Not just with that, but he regularly makes “future” plans with me, from weekend scheduling to working out his work schedule for maximum time with me, to wanting to attend a 5k I’m running in a couple months.

 

The kids get along great and I know my kids would love to have someone else to hang with on vacation. It makes financial sense and emotional sense for us to share the load with another adult. So what is holding me back? More fear.

 

What if we can’t make it through the upcoming stretch of not being together much? What if he decides it’s not worth the fight, because frankly thus far it’s so easy with him.

 

Speaking of easy, it is amazing how easy it is with him. We never even have the slightest disagreement. I mean we cheer for different sports teams and give each other hell for that, but we’ve never even had a hint of an actual disagreement, let alone fight. Probably because we get about 48 hours together every 2 weeks but we talk every day. I haven’t had the slightest reason to be mad at him, other than his lack of verbal commitment to me. My relationship with Pickle was just so different. We always had disagreements, even if we didn’t out and out FIGHT that often. Fundamentally we just seemed so different, and the Yankee and I are just fundamentally the same it seems. I’ve heard of couples who never fight and I didn’t believe them to be honest. But he’s so easy going that he calms the searing passion I can have. He’s my peace and tranquility. I thought about this Sunday night. We were eating our weight in junkfood and watching the game. He fell asleep on my couch as we were intertwined, heads on each end. He had his arms around my legs tightly and I felt him relax a bit as he drifted off. It was amazing the peace I felt with him just being there with me, totally relaxed, not doing anything but breathing. I just thought, this is it. This is the man I’m supposed to be with, and nothing else.

 

Our next no kid time together is his birthday next Tuesday (yay for fake “work obligations” and babysitting) and Valentines, which we only get about 24 hours together. I want to drop the L word. I hope I can find the courage but I’m just not sure.

And then there's the ex-wife...

So far the Yankee and I have chugged along in our bliss. We've started regularly hanging out with all the kids and things have been fabulous. Apparently, to his kids, more fabulous than I thought.

During our first weekend trip together as a group, I disclosed to him that I had told my kids that we date when they aren't around. Nothing big but enough for them to understand why this guy and his kids are suddenly around. He chose not to discuss it with his kids, which is his prerogative. Enter: confusion.

At one point he and I are sitting innocently on the bed. There had been no kissing or hugging, some minor arm or back touching but nothing overt. Well, his son says "I know a secret! You two are in LOVE and you'll probably get married and have another baby!" We were taken aback and I immediately said "well I think we have enough kids!" His son then says, "there ARE a lot of kids in this room!" LOL. His daughter then says, "then you'll be my stepmom!" We dropped the conversation about that point, although his son continued to insist throughout the weekend that we're "in love."

The next exchange with his ex-wife, she says to him "so, I hear you're getting married! when do I get to meet her?" He apparently laughed at her but no further discussions occurred. So she is operating under the impression we ARE getting married and I think his kids are too.

Now I will be perfectly honest under the veil of anonymity here- I would marry him. I wouldn't do it soon, but I feel like I COULD do it. It shocks me but I can see us blending. But back to the ex-wife...

So, I think this meet up actually should happen. I'm a mom, I get it. I spend time with her kids. I'm not a caretaker of them, he does that. He's fabulous at it and never expects me to do anything for them. But I am around them more and more. I want to put her at ease, because I think she's putting ideas into the kids that if I'm in their life things will change. His son told me he doesn't want to change schools, and noted that my kids go to a different school. The thought of him worried about that makes me sad.

And let's face it, I'm nosy as hell. I want to see her, and not just the one profile pic on facebook that she has straight locked down. I know a lot of what she did to him and I want to say, see, he's got someone better- someone who appreciates him and is younger/thinner/hotter/wealthier/more successful than you. I know that's terrible but it's also honest.

I think he'll avoid it as long as he possibly can. He isn't bringing me to his daughter's birthday party, which makes sense since my kids couldn't come and I'd just be there alone like a fool. But we'll see...

Crap. I'm in love.

Crap. I’m in love.
I’ve known it for a while. I think maybe Christmas eve, when the Yankee pulled me close and whispered sweet nothings about how I was a blessing in his life and how I was his favorite Christmas gift that he wasn’t expecting. Or maybe when he went home for New Year’s and I missed him so badly my chest hurt. I definitely know it now.

 He’s never been one to throw around compliments or sweet nothings. But more and more, they are popping up in our conversations. Like when I tell him his arms are a favorite body part of mine, and he says they’re his favorite too but only when they’re wrapped around me. Or when he tells me how much he loves holding my hand and playing with my fingers. My heart aches with the need to tell him, to say those 3 little words. I think he feels the same, but how do you ever really know? I feel it with the way he holds me close and doesn’t want me to get up. The way he leans his head into mine when we’re just sitting around. The way his hands always end up in my hair because he knows I love it. When he comes up behind me and puts his arms around me when I’m not even looking. When he looks into my eyes and his beautiful blue eyes shine. When he digs around in the covers to find me when we are sharing a bed. When he sacrifices and gets up super early just so he could spend the previous night with me. But I’m so scared.

I’ve always been the one to be chased, not the chaser. I’ve been the one who I knew loved the other person less than they loved me. I know that sounds weird but it’s true. Every guy I’ve dated has always liked or loved me more than I liked or loved them. I know it. But it’s different with the Yankee. He consumes me. I am pretty sure my feelings for him are much deeper than his for me. A rejection from him would utterly collapse me and knock me off my feet. The words are bubbling from my lips all the time now when I’m around him, but I bite them back. I can’t take not hearing them from him in return if I say it. My heart can’t take the risk.

That time I almost ruined it

It happens in every relationship- someone has to institute “the talk.” I really thought The Yankee and I were past it. I mean, he bought me jewelry for Christmas (we started going out in late October), scheduled a weekend vacation with all our kids and us, etc

. But then, I got paranoid.

I saw a message from some teeny bopper 22 year old to him, clearly looking for her next baby daddy, because of course she already has one kid. What else does a 22 year old want with someone nearing 40? And he mentioned that he was seeing someone but that we hadn’t had the girlfriend/boyfriend discussion.

Then he asked me not to tag him in facebook pics when I asked if he cared if I posted some. His response was “post anything you want, just don’t tag and don’t post any of me snoring lol.” Now I know that last part is ridiculous. It does NOT matter what goes up on facebook, facebook is stupid. But all the sudden, I got paranoid. Is he embarrassed of me, does he not want to be seen with me, does he not want his family (all of whom still live in Yankeeville hundreds of miles away so I clearly wouldn’t be meeting them any time in the near future) to know about me? Is he having second thoughts?

  Enter: OVERTHINKING. The destroyer of so many good things.

So I did what any paranoid girl would do. I instituted The Talk.

 He had stayed over on a weeknight due to some convenient kid scheduling, and before leaving for work I said to him, “hey, I really like what we have going here between us.” He said “me too. The breaks suck but we make up for it when we’re together.” So I responded “well just so you know, I’m not looking for someone else to fill in those breaks.” He knew immediately where I was going with that and says “are we at this point already???” I was floored and honestly knocked off balance, rare for me. So I said “wow well I guess not. I won’t corner you at 6:30 in the morning.” But of course it ate at me. Combined with work stress it made me physically ill. I *thought* we were past this and really was just confirming. But his idea of where we are is definitely different than mine. I thought with the introduction of the kids to the mix, we were definitely in girlfriend/boyfriend territory but he has other ideas. So I couldn’t take it anymore and broke every rule of The Talk and sent him a message. Basically saying I need to know if this is exclusive. I don’t need to know our future past the next set of plans, just that it’s us and no one else for now.

His basic response is he’s a one woman guy, but he is careful regarding what he puts on facebook and what goes on in front of his kids. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with his comment. To me, Facebook is about 50 times less intense than vacationing as a quasi family. But I know my facebook frustration is more about me than him and I’m working through that.

Who knew, with age comes maturity sometimes? I know that despite no sign of me in his life on facebook, he cares about me. We don’t hide. He’s good to me. He’s my peace in a crazy world. We talk openly, we have an amazing connection. So I’m putting this into perspective. It’s easier to do when you’re coming off a great weekend and he made big sacrifices to spend the night with me, including having to make a half hour drive back to his house, get ready quickly and drive to a site for work. So I’m just going with it for now and enjoying what we have.

Dating sucks, but OH the sex

I’ll admit, re-entering the dating scene at 36 was not fun. Not.at.all. I know all of you in long term marriages are wanting to live vicariously through me, thinking how FUN it would be to date again and have all that excitement. To feel 19 again, the thrill of the chase and all… But… I’m not 19. I’m 36, with horrible twin stomach stretch marks and cellulite at every angle and hair in places it shouldn’t be. I basically had no sex in the last year of my marriage, so when I started dating again it had been TWO years. Plus, when you’re 19 you’re stupid. Sorry all you hot young things, but you are. You don’t know how stupid you are. When you’re thrown back into dating, you automatically revert to that 19 year old with the “does he like me? Will he call? Is he going to kiss me?” stuff. But at 36 you’re also thinking the following, sometimes all at once: Is his ex crazy? Will his kids like me? How many women has he dated since HIS divorce? When do I introduce my kids to him? Does he like me? Will he call? Is he going to kiss me? DON’T.GET.PREGNANT. Should we have “the talk?” Your friends WILL think you are crazy but most will put up with it for the stories. And so they can say “I don’t envy you.” I think I’m strengthening marriages all over. I deserve an award. There IS an upside though ladies. Well at least for me there is. Yankee and I went out for about a month, which is a feat in and of itself based on our schedules (more on that in another blog). We hit that magic mark and I knew it was likely coming (no pun intended). I did what any God fearing woman of 36 would do. I shaved the vajajay, bought new matching bras and panties, and waited. Didn’t have to wait long. If there is ONE thing I’ve never been in doubt of, it is that Yankee and I have sexual chemistry. Not gonna lie, all the drama of dating sucks. But the sex with Yankee is more than worth it. Oh, the sex. Maybe they teach them better up North. Maybe the Yank is just especially good. Maybe it’s the pairing of the two of us or my complete sexual desperation. But we can’t seem to stay out of bed. Or couch. Or floor. Part of it is probably the limited time we spend together so we have to make it count. Our record so far is 3 times in less than 24 hours, which is pretty good for a couple of old farts. But it’s not just quantity, it’s quality. The boy can go and go and he makes me crazy in all the best ways. I mostly forget how gross my body is and how small my boobs are and the fat and stretchmarks. It’s exciting too finding the ways to turn on someone new. I know the exact spot on his ear or neck that will make him moan. I know how to make him beg and leave him gasping. He definitely knows how to do the same for me. So take heed ladies. Forget the body issues. Forget the dating drama. If nothing else comes from the relationship with the Yankee I can say I’ve at least had a couple months of amazing sex.

The intro

I’ve decided my life is more interesting than most reality shows. Maybe someone out there wants to read and be entertained. First off, let me introduce myself. I’m a typical Virgo, I like to plan and know exactly what’s going on. Which is why God screws with me so often by changing my plans. I married my college sweetheart, who I shall not affectionately refer to as Pickle, ignoring the zillion reasons why that was a bad idea, from the fact that he had to always be the smartest person around to the fact that his work was always going to be #1. We are both lawyers which is also a very, very bad idea. Combine that with the fact his pants seem to fall off and his penis fall into women he knows are “a class below him” in intelligence and it didn’t make for the best marriage. The only good things to come out of it were my children, a twin girl I will call Noodle and a twin boy I will call Big. They are currently 9. I am a former athlete who has dabbled with getting back into sports as an adult. I’m a runner off and on, and am trying to find a regular workout routine. I love to watch almost all sports and know more than 99% of females. I’m an attorney but only as my job, not as my life’s definition. I can be paranoid and crazy, I’m fiercely loyal and will defend those I love with my last breath. At 35, I was newly separated and navigating life with an ex who decided it would be a great idea to shack up with his latest slut without telling me. Slutpuppy now thinks she and I can be friends, despite the fact she was sleeping with my husband. She is also obsessed with Noodle and sends her selfies. Yes, the 35 year old woman sends my 9 year old selfies. At 36, I decided I needed some changes in my life. I lost some weight and asked out a boy to a football game of a team I don’t even like. The boy (Yankee) and I are now navigating the beginnings of a relationship. He has two young kids, Son and Daughter, who he has 50% of the time. I can’t say enough good about Yankee and the joy and peace he brings to my life. He’s smart, sexy, caring, the BEST father, considerate, funny, and a sports nut like me. He’s reopened my love of adventure that was quashed by stick in the mud Pickle and with him I never know if I’ll be ziplining or skiing or kayaking, or just sitting on the couch snuggling in front of a football game. Who else do you need to know? Let’s see, there are my besties Boobs McGee who is also my dating coach and JJ, my road warrior. My parents Big D (my mom) and Big B (my dad) who are redneck and uncouth and slightly insane but they love me so there’s that. My sister La, a nurse in another state living a fabulously child free life of travel and spending money, and her long term boyfriend C. This is my life as a lawyer, dance mom, karate mom, girl scout mom, former athlete, single woman, and divorcee.